"Hotline"
by
Michael O'Connell
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Forte/Seattle PD Hotline
206-889-3249: Hey, is Dyna Girl there? RAINIER: Uh…who is this? 206-889-3249: I’m just looking for Dyna Girl. RAINIER: Are you with Seattle P.D.? 206-889-3249: No. RAINIER: Do you know that this is a police-only line? 206-889-3249: This is Forte, right? RAINIER: Yes. This is Rainier. 206-889-3249: Awesome! How’s it going, man? RAINIER: It’s…fine. WHO is this again? 206-889-3249: I’m just looking for Dyna Girl. RAINIER: Yes, but who IS this? This is the Forte S.P.D. hotline. And the caller ID is not showing an S.P.D. number. 206-889-3249: Yeah, I’m not with them. RAINIER: I figured that out. 206-889-3249: Is she there? (PAUSE) RAINIER (BACKGROUND): Dyna Girl? DYNA GIRL (BACKGROUND): Yeah? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): Did you give the S.P.D. number to anyone? DYNA GIRL (BACKGROUND): No. Why? Who is it? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): Someone looking for you. DYNA GIRL (BACKGROUND): What? Who? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): He won’t tell me. DYNA GIRL (BACKGROUND): Give me that. (PAUSE) DYNA GIRL: Hello? 206-889-3249: Dyna Girl? DYNA GIRL: Yes, this is Dyna Girl. 206-889-3249: Wow. Hi! DYNA GIRL: Who the hell is this? 206-889-3249: This is Matt. DYNA GIRL: Do I know you, Matt? 206-889-3249: Nope. DYNA GIRL: How did you get this number? 206-889-3249: That’s kind of a long story… DYNA GIRL: Why don’t you give me the highlights? This is a police emergency line to Forte, genius. No one’s supposed to have this number but the police. 206-889-3249: Well, I know somebody… DYNA GIRL: Somebody gave you this number? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: Who? 206-889-3249: I’d rather not say, if that’s okay. DYNA GIRL: NO, that’s NOT okay. This is a highly classified line, ‘Matt’. For serious life and death stuff? How did you get it and why are you calling it? 206-889-3249: Okay, calm down… DYNA GIRL: I’ll calm down when you start explaining yourself. 206-889-3249: It’s no big thing. I know somebody who got fired at police headquarters, and he kind of took this number with him when he left. DYNA GIRL: What’s his name? 206-889-3249: Sorry. I really can’t tell you. DYNA GIRL: Oh, yes, you REALLY can. 206-889-3249: Nah, I can’t. Seriously. I promised I wouldn’t. I don’t break promises. Not that kind of guy. DYNA GIRL: How ‘bout if I get your ass thrown in jail and let them sweat you for a couple of days until you talk? 206-889-3249: What charge? DYNA GIRL: What CHARGE? 206-889-3249: Yeah, what’s the crime? What law did I break? DYNA GIRL: I… I’m sure there has to be one, okay? 206-889-3249: Why you all mad? DYNA GIRL: Why? Your buddy, whoever he is, stole this number and gave it out to you, whoever YOU are. 206-889-3249: I’m Matt. DYNA GIRL: I KNOW. 206-889-3249: And I didn’t say my friend was a he. DYNA GIRL: Yes you did. 206-889-3249: I did? DYNA GIRL: Yes. 206-889-3249: Oh. I didn’t mean to. DYNA GIRL: WHY are you calling? What is it you want? 206-889-3249: Wanted to talk to you. DYNA GIRL: Why? 206-889-3249: I wanted to see if you wanted to…I don’t know…get some coffee or something sometime? DYNA GIRL: Oh, you have GOT to be yanking me… 206-889-3249: I’m serious. DYNA GIRL: You’re a moron! 206-889-3249: Why? I’m just a guy looking to ask a girl out for some coffee. People do it all the time. DYNA GIRL: Are you in any way attuned to reality? Do you know what you’re doing right now? 206-889-3249: Talking to you? DYNA GIRL: You’re calling a hero base. A very secret hero base. 206-889-3249: I know. Isn’t it wild? You’re like, really in the Forte base. Right now. DYNA GIRL: And you’re calling on a secure police line. And that means not only are we recording this, but your caller ID, which you didn’t even bother to block, is giving me your number right here. 206-889-3249: That’s cool. I was going to give you my number anyway. DYNA GIRL: How high ARE you? 206-889-3249: Come on! Lighten up. I’m just a guy who thinks you’re really cool, and I go to all your web pages— DYNA GIRL: Oh, MY God… 206-889-3249: —No, not those kind of web pages. All right? I’m not some perv. And I just think you’re great, and I got this phone number dropped into my lap, and I figured, hey, what the hell? When am I ever going to get another chance to talk to you? Why not take a chance? Don’t you ever do that, just say what the hell and take a risk? DYNA GIRL: That’s not the point, Matt. 206-889-3249: Sure it is. Life’s too short. Gotta roll the dice once in a while. Stop playing it safe. I got this friend— DYNA GIRL: Matt… 206-889-3249: No, just listen. I got this friend. Great guy. But he got cancer. He’s doing okay. But we talk a lot. And he’s always telling me how you never know when everything’s just going to go to hell. And since all this happened to him he doesn’t wait around for life to just happen. He goes out and makes things happen. That made a lot of sense to me— SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): What’s going on? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): We’ve got a call. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): Trouble? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): No, apparently it’s a personal call. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): What? 206-889-3249: Hey, is that Seahawk I hear? Right on! DYNA GIRL: It’s not a personal call, okay? Just…give me a minute. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): Who is it? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): I have no idea. DYNA GIRL: Look, Matt. This is a really, really bad idea. You shouldn’t be doing this. You’re going to get into a lot of trouble. 206-889-3249: Yeah, maybe. DYNA GIRL: No, definitely. This a dumb, and, frankly, kind of creepy thing you’re doing. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): Can we trace it? RAINIER (BACKGROUND): We don’t have to. Number’s right there. DYNA GIRL: Guys…a minute please? Matt, you need to tell me who gave you this number, and you need to never call it again. 206-889-3249: He didn’t steal anything. He just memorized the number. That’s not against the law. DYNA GIRL: It probably is, Matt. And you’re making yourself a part of it. This is not worth ending up in jail for. 206-889-3249: Maybe it is. Be a hell of a story. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): Does she know him? DYNA GIRL: No, I don’t know him! Okay? 206-889-3249: So, why not just meet me for coffee? We’ll talk about it. DYNA GIRL: I’m not meeting you for coffee. 206-889-3249: Why not? DYNA GIRL: Why do you think? I have no idea who you are. 206-889-3249: I told you my name. DYNA GIRL: Who’s Anabelle Nagel? 206-889-3249: Huh? DYNA GIRL: That’s the name on the caller ID. Is that your mom, Matt? Are you living with your mom and making weird stalker phone calls from her basement? 206-889-3249: No, it’s not my mom. God. That’s my landlady. I rent a room from her. DYNA GIRL: How old are you? 206-889-3249: Twenty-five. DYNA GIRL: What do you do? 206-889-3249: I work at Sonic Boom Records. DYNA GIRL: Why am I not surprised? 206-889-3249: And I play bass. In a band. We’re playing this weekend. You could come. It’d be fun. SEAHAWK (BACKGROUND): Who’s Anabelle Nagel? DYNA GIRL: Would you two…?! Go stand over there. Go! 206-889-3249: It’s a public place. It’s safe. You can just catch a set and see that I’m not some psycho and then we can get some coffee after. What do you say? DYNA GIRL: I’m not…meeting you. For anything. Okay? 206-889-3249: Come on. Take a chance. DYNA GIRL: I don’t need to take a chance! I take chances every day, okay? I don’t have some freaky grab-life-by-the-balls complex that makes me do stupid things just to prove something to myself. And I don’t go out with weird guys who I don’t even know just because they call me and ask. 206-889-3249: Got a boyfriend, then? DYNA GIRL: That’s none of your business. 206-889-3249: You don’t, do you? I knew it. DYNA GIRL: That’s…I’m not discussing that with you. 206-889-3249: Come on. I’m a nice guy! I swear! And I’m not that bad looking. I know I’m not some celebrity or something. I’m just some average guy. But who’s to say an average guy can’t get a shot? You might like me if you get to know me. Or, you might not, you know. But we’ll never know if you don’t give me a chance. Just coffee. That’s all I’m asking. DYNA GIRL: Matt… No. I am not meeting you for coffee. Okay? I do not do that. 206-889-3249: You don’t drink coffee? DYNA GIRL: I don’t go out with fans. I don’t go out with guys who clearly lack adult judgment. And I don’t go out with guys who sit around downloading pictures of me. 206-889-3249: You’re great to look at. What can I say? Guilty of having eyes, I guess. DYNA GIRL: This is NOT going to happen. You need to understand that. 206-889-3249: Come on… DYNA GIRL: And you need to hang up the phone now and forget you ever had this number and never use it again. And not sell it on eBay or something. I’m serious, this is an emergency line. People could get hurt because of what you’re doing. Stop it now, and we’ll forget that this ever happened. I know where you live, I know where you work. I could have a squad of UNCLE agents on either door inside of five minutes. And I will if this ever happens again or if anyone else calls this line who’s not a police officer. I will blame that on you, personally. 206-889-3249: So, no. DYNA GIRL: No. 206-889-3249: You sure? DYNA GIRL: Completely sure. 206-889-3249: Had to give a shot, you know? DYNA GIRL: You gave it your shot. Now stop shooting and go away. Good-bye, Matt. 206-889-3249: Wait— DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: So, uh… DYNA GIRL: What?! 206-889-3249: Is…Nightsable there? DYNA GIRL: Oh my GOD!! (CALL TERMINATES) END.
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