"Hotline 2: Redial"
by
Michael O'Connell
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Forte/Seattle PD Hotline
DYNA GIRL: Is this Matt? 206-889-3249: You got him. DYNA GIRL: Matt, what did I tell you? 206-889-3249: Huh? DYNA GIRL: What did I tell you? 206-889-3249: Who…wait…is this…Dyna Girl? No way! DYNA GIRL: What did I TELL you, Matt? 206-889-3249: Uh…you told me "no"? DYNA GIRL: What did I tell you about giving out this number? 206-889-3249: I didn’t! DYNA GIRL: You didn’t. 206-889-3249: I swear! DYNA GIRL: I have a radio. On my wrist. I do this little thing with it, and I have our UNCLE liaison on the line. And you’re in a little cell with a big super-villain named Bubba. NIGHTSABLE AND TINKER (BACKGROUND): (LAUGHTER) 206-889-3249: I didn’t give out the number! DYNA GIRL: Then why did we just get another call, Matt? 206-889-3249: You did? DYNA GIRL: From a party. Two drunk girls calling and asking for Max. 206-889-3249: Oh, shit. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, “oh shit”. NIGHTSABLE AND TINKER (BACKGROUND): (LAUGHTER) 206-889-3249: It wasn’t me! I’m not lying! I did just what you said! I put it away and never showed it to anybody! Swear to God! DYNA GIRL: Then why do drunk girls have it, Matt? 206-889-3249: I…I don’t know! I just know it wasn’t me! DYNA GIRL: Matt… 206-889-3249: I’m dead serious. I’d never do that. You told me not to. DYNA GIRL: Have you given me any reason to trust you? 206-889-3249: No. I just…I’m serious. I didn’t. DYNA GIRL: Then who did? 206-889-3249: Probably…you know, him. DYNA GIRL: Him WHO, Matt? 206-889-3249: Come on… DYNA GIRL: Who gave you this number, Matt? Whoever he is, he’s now using it to score with horny drunk girls with helmet fetishes. NIGHTSABLE AND TINKER (BACKGROUND): (LAUGHTER) DYNA GIRL: Will you guys knock it off? NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): I’m sorry… DYNA GIRL: This isn’t funny, Matt— TINKER (BACKGROUND): It kind of is… DYNA GIRL: We can’t have people calling this line. Ever. Now he’s passing the number all over town. 206-889-3249: I’m really sorry. I didn’t know that. DYNA GIRL: Then tell me his name. We already traced the call. Is he at this party? 206-889-3249: Uh…probably. It’s his party. DYNA GIRL: And you’re sure you weren’t at the party? Flashing it around? 206-889-3249: No. I’m not kidding, no. I’ve been home all night. DYNA GIRL: His name, Matt. 206-889-3249: Is he in a lot of trouble? DYNA GIRL: He might be. 206-889-3249: It’s just…the guy just lost his job. He’s having a hard time. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, it sounded like a real wake over there. 206-889-3249: That’s what you do when you’re down. You party with your friends. You feel better. DYNA GIRL: He just stopped feeling better. Believe me. 206-889-3249: Do I have to? DYNA GIRL: Matt, look… We won’t tell him it was you, okay? Just give me his name and what he looks like so we know who we’re looking for. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Awww… DYNA GIRL: (MUFFLED) Quit it. 206-889-3249: But I mean…won’t he know it’s me? DYNA GIRL: We’re super-heroes. We’ll…tell him Moonspider’s psychic or something. Let me make it easy. Is it Dan Torrance? The guy on the caller ID? 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). Yeah. DYNA GIRL: What does he look like? 206-889-3249: Kinda short. Opie haircut. Blonde hair. And he just got his lip pierced now that he’s not working for the cops anymore. DYNA GIRL: Okay. Call Vortex. Get him over here. TINKER (BACKGROUND): Why? DYNA GIRL: He can be there in seconds. Let’s make him pop up and scare the piss out of this guy. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): I could teleport over. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, but you’re not scary. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): I can be scary… TINKER (BACKGROUND): Honey, you’re cute as a Brady girl and you’re dressed in purple. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): What about you? TINKER (BACKGROUND): I have guns. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Yeah, but they shoot GLUE… 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER) DYNA GIRL: Matt? 206-889-3249: Yeah? DYNA GIRL: Stop enjoying this. 206-889-3249: I’m sorry. You guys are funny. I’ll stop. DYNA GIRL: You’d better. This is serious. 206-889-3249: I know, but I didn’t do anything. DYNA GIRL: You’re involved. 206-889-3249: Not this time I’m not! I can’t control what he does. DYNA GIRL: He’s your friend. 206-889-3249: Well…he’s not really my friend. He’s just this guy I know. (WOOSHING SOUND) VORTEX (BACKGROUND): You called? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. You need to go to this address. The guy who has our number is there. It’s his house. Big kegger going on. Find him and get the number back and scare the piss out of him. And everybody there. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Oh, like HE’S scary. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Sorry? DYNA GIRL: Just do it. Dan Torrance. Short guy. UNCLE haircut. Blonde. Pierced lip. Just…ask for Dan Torrance and look for the guy who sweats the most. And be impressive. Get all crazy-eyed and menacing. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Crazy-eyed? DYNA GIRL: Just…oh, for God’s sake, can we find Seahawk? 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER) DYNA GIRL: Matt?! 206-889-3249: Sorry. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Is it really good for our image to crash parties and scare kids? DYNA GIRL: I don’t care! They need to learn a lesson. Come on, you’re…you know what you do for a living. Be that guy. 206-889-3249: What does he do? DYNA GIRL: I can punch through BUILDINGS, Matt. 206-889-3249: Sorry. DYNA GIRL: Just go! Get it and give ‘em all a lecture. Show some sack, you big dweeb. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Well, as long as you’re asking nicely. DYNA GIRL: Go! 206-889-3249: Um… DYNA GIRL: Oh. And…tell them…Moonspider’s psychic. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): What? DYNA GIRL: Just…tell them we traced the call and we background checked him and we know he just got fired from S.P.D. so we know it was him. Just make him think we figured it out on our own. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Now we’re faking competency. This team is really hitting its stride. DYNA GIRL: Just…do it. Please? We need that back. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): I know. Fine. DYNA GIRL: Thank you. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Should I bring a twelve-pack or something? That’s just good manners… NIGHTSABLE AND TINKER (BACKGROUND): (LAUGHTER) DYNA GIRL: Vortex? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Okay. I’ll go be “that guy”. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Call us if you need backup (LAUGHTER). TINKER (BACKGROUND): Or if you hook up with any hotties. We want details. VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Yeah, yeah. (WOOSHING SOUND) 206-889-3249: Hey. DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: That’s really cool of you. Thanks. DYNA GIRL: It’s…no big deal. 206-889-3249: Nah, it is. Nobody likes to be a snitch. And I promised him. DYNA GIRL: But he’s not your friend, right? 206-889-3249: No, not really. Was still a promise, though. DYNA GIRL: Well, you did the right thing, Matt. 206-889-3249: I know. And I’m really sorry about this. For real. I didn’t know he was doing that. I’d have…well, I guess I wouldn’t have called you, ‘cause you told me not to. But I’d have tried to stop him. DYNA GIRL: We can stop him just fine. Thanks. 206-889-3249: You’re just gonna scare him? He’s not going to jail? DYNA GIRL: Probably not. I don’t know if it’s really a crime. But we’ll see if he knocks it off and learns his lesson. 206-889-3249: He probably will. He’s just high on showing off with it right now. This’ll wake him up. DYNA GIRL: I hope so. 206-889-3249: ‘Cause…Bubba, right? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Yeah, Bubba. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). You don’t play around, girl. DYNA GIRL: No, I don’t. 206-889-3249: Hey, can I, uh… As long as we’re talking again and all… DYNA GIRL: No. 206-889-3249: Hold on. No, I just…want to apologize for that last call. I was acting like…um…kind of a… DYNA GIRL: Douchebag? 206-889-3249: Okay, that works. I’m sorry, I was just…kind of jazzed at the idea of talking with you and…I was trying to do that whole carpe diem thing. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I know it was dumb. DYNA GIRL: Well, good. I’m glad you figured that out. 206-889-3249: I really do think you’re cool. You and…you know, all of you. I wouldn’t do anything…on purpose…to mess up anything for you. DYNA GIRL: And we appreciate that. Just think before you do something like that again, all right? 206-889-3249: Oh, I will. DYNA GIRL: Good. 206-889-3249: So…we’re cool? DYNA GIRL: We’re not anything, Matt. 206-889-3249: I know. I just… DYNA GIRL: Yes. We’re cool. 206-889-3249: Good. I’m glad. You’re really nice. DYNA GIRL: I’m really not. 206-889-3249: Yeah, you are. Seriously. I don’t mean that all swanky. You’re all right. DYNA GIRL: Thank you. (WOOSHING SOUND) NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): That was fast. DYNA GIRL: You get it? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Right here. TINKER (BACKGROUND): Get any other digits, playa? DYNA GIRL: How much of a lecture could you give in that time? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): A concise one. Bigger impact that way. DYNA GIRL: Was there piss? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): There was some. TINKER (BACKGROUND): You didn’t scare anybody. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): You big girl. DYNA GIRL: At least we have it back. Did you—? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): Yes. He didn’t give it out. This is the original. DYNA GIRL: How do you know? VORTEX (BACKGROUND): I asked. With emphasis. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Yeah, right… 206-889-3249: So you got it? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. We got it. Thanks for helping. 206-889-3249: Didn’t do much. DYNA GIRL: You did some. 206-889-3249: Hey…Dyna Girl? DYNA GIRL: Yeah? 206-889-3249: Why don’t you come down and hear us play sometime? DYNA GIRL: Matt… 206-889-3249: No, no, I’m not asking you out. Again. I mean all of you. You should all come. Or just some of you. DYNA GIRL: I’m not coming to hear your band. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Awww! Go hear his band! DYNA GIRL: (MUFFLED) Knock it off! TINKER (BACKGROUND): Come on… DYNA GIRL: (MUFFLED) No! Quit! VORTEX (BACKGROUND): I’m leaving now… (WOOSHING SOUND) 206-889-3249: Come on. It’ll be fun. We’re playing at the Bad Juju Lounge, on 11th. Next two Saturdays. I swear, we only suck every other gig. DYNA GIRL: No, Matt. TINKER (BACKGROUND): Don’t be like that… 206-889-3249: It’s a good time. And people would love to see you there. It’d be huge. Great photo op, mix with the people, show ‘em you’re down with the ordinary folks. People’ll talk about it for years. DYNA GIRL: No. 206-889-3249: You can hear the band, and then I’ll buy you guys a drink. I owe you. I was an asshole and then you did something nice for me. TINKER (BACKGROUND): What’s his band called? DYNA GIRL: Will you…? NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): What’s it called?! DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). What’s your band called? 206-889-3249: Retainer. DYNA GIRL: Retainer? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: As in…a retainer? 206-889-3249: Yeah! DYNA GIRL: Why? 206-889-3249: That’s funny. DYNA GIRL: How is that funny? 206-889-3249: ‘Cause…it’s a retainer? DYNA GIRL: Not funny. 206-889-3249: I think it’s funny… DYNA GIRL: What do you play? 206-889-3249: Bass. DYNA GIRL: What does your BAND play? 206-889-3249: Oh. Kind of an emo-punk mix. All originals. No covers. People dig us. We got a rack at Sonic Boom and everything. We have an EP. DYNA GIRL: I can’t, Matt. 206-889-3249: Why not? DYNA GIRL: Maybe Nightsable will come. She’s your second choice, right? NIGHTSABLE AND TINKER (BACKGROUND): (LAUGHTER) 206-889-3249: Okay, that was earned. Come on, for real. Why not? What have you got to lose? DYNA GIRL: Are we grabbing life by the balls again, Matt? Remember how that ended last time? 206-889-3249: Yeah. But hey, at least I got to talk to you. And now I am again. So…some of that must be true. DYNA GIRL: We’re talking because I was going to beat your ass to a pulp. 206-889-3249: Whatever opens the door, right? DYNA GIRL: And the night’s still young. 206-889-3249: Look, serious… DYNA GIRL: Matt… 206-889-3249: Don’t say no! Don’t say yes. Just think about it. No pressure. Bad Juju, Saturday nights, nine o’clock. I’m sure you won’t have any trouble getting past the door guy. Just for fun. Just a good time. I’ll be there. If you show…you show. DYNA GIRL: Fine. 206-889-3249: I hope you do. Sincerely. And I’m buying. DYNA GIRL: I have to go fight crime now, Matt. 206-889-3249: Oh, okay. I’ll let you go. DYNA GIRL: Okay. 206-889-3249: Hey, thanks for calling. DYNA GIRL: Thanks for calling and yelling at you? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: You’re a strange guy, Matt. 206-889-3249: So they say. DYNA GIRL: Okay. 206-889-3249: And hey… DYNA GIRL: Yeah? 206-889-3249: Be careful. Fighting crime and stuff. ‘Kay? DYNA GIRL: I’ll try. 206-889-3249: All right. You take care. DYNA GIRL: Okay. You too. 206-889-3249: Later. DYNA GIRL: Later. NIGHTSABLE (BACKGROUND): Awww…! DYNA GIRL: Shut— (CALL TERMINATES)
Forte/Seattle PD Hotline
DYNA GIRL: Hello? 253-347-9318: Uh, hey. Is, uh…Vanguard home? (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: God damnit… (CALL TERMINATES) END.
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