"Hotline 4: Midnight Caller"
by
Michael O'Connell
|
Forte/Seattle PD Hotline
DYNA GIRL: Um, hi. Is this Matt? 206-889-3249: Yep. Who’s this? DYNA GIRL: This is…um…Dyna Girl. 206-889-3249: Oh, hey! What’s up? Wow! DYNA GIRL: Oh, not much. Um…am I calling too late, or…? 206-889-3249: No, not at all. It’s great to hear from you! Seriously. DYNA GIRL: Okay, that’s good. I know it’s like after midnight, and I was worried— 206-889-3249: No sweat, for real. I’m up. I’m off work tomorrow. DYNA GIRL: Oh, okay. Good. 206-889-3249: What’s going on? DYNA GIRL: Um…I was just doing some follow-up. We had some more calls at the number, and— 206-889-3249: Oh, no. DYNA GIRL: No, no, it’s okay. 206-889-3249: I had nothing to do with it, I SWEAR to you. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). I know. It’s just some more people called since that party, and I just…well, we wanted to know if you’d heard anything about it. 206-889-3249: Nothing. First I’ve heard of it. Sorry it’s still going on. That sucks. DYNA GIRL: It’s okay. 206-889-3249: Well, I know it wasn’t Dan. DYNA GIRL: Yeah? 206-889-3249: Oh, yeah. The scare worked. He called me the next day freaked off his ASS. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Well, that’s good to hear. 206-889-3249: Oh, man, he was sure he was going to prison. He won’t be doing that again, trust me. DYNA GIRL: Good. He’s smarter than I thought. 206-889-3249: Yeah, all evidence to the contrary. I mean, he’s all right and all, but he’s kind of a hump. As he proved. Well, okay, I guess I did, too. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Yeah, kinda. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Man, everyone’s still talking about Vortex showing up at the party. You ought to hear all the different versions of the story. Everyone swears they talked to him personally. I know he’s fast, but I really don’t think he had time to talk to like fifty people in those couple of minutes, you know? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). That happens. People like to embellish. Just so long as no one’s claiming he beat them up and they’re trying to sue us. 206-889-3249: Haven’t heard one of those yet, but if I do, I’ll let you know. Mostly just girls claiming he vibed them. DYNA GIRL: Great. Chances of a whole different set of lawsuits. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Oh, and Dan still has no idea it was me who told you guys…you know, about him. So thanks again. I really appreciate that. DYNA GIRL: Oh, good. I’m glad. I know you didn’t want to be… 206-889-3249: (SINGING) An inforrrrrMAH? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Right. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Remember that song? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. 206-889-3249: What was his name, that guy? DYNA GIRL: Uh…God, I can’t remember. What was it? Um… 206-889-3249: Oh, it was “Snow”! DYNA GIRL: Yeah, that’s right! 206-889-3249: I remember. His big album was “12 Inches of Snow”. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). God, I forgot about that. 206-889-3249: Yeah, subtle. That was a long time ago. I think I was a freshman. Or maybe still junior high. DYNA GIRL: I think I was in eighth grade, but it’s hard to remember. I just remember everyone claiming to know the lyrics. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Oh, I know. As if anyone did. I don’t think Snow even knew what he was saying. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Yeah. 206-889-3249: Dawn of the wannabe white boy rappers. That was a weird time for music. It was like right between hair bands and grunge. Everyone was kind of lost, you know? DYNA GIRL: Yeah, I guess. 206-889-3249: Waiting to see where it was all going. Hip hop was just really starting to take off then, too. Wasn’t that “Whoomp, There It Is” song out right about then? DYNA GIRL: Ugh. Don’t get me started on that. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Could that have played like MORE times on the radio? DYNA GIRL: I hated that song. 206-889-3249: I’m with you. DYNA GIRL: Oh, come on, you were like a fifteen-year old guy then? I’m sure you loved it. 206-889-3249: Nah. I was all about the Pearl Jam then. Stone Temple Pilots. REAL music. DYNA GIRL: A Seattle grunge fan? Wow, you were quite the maverick. 206-889-3249: Ha ha. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: You owned “The Bodyguard” soundtrack, didn’t you? DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: That was all over the radio then. Whitney mania. You were a girl. You had that CD, didn’t you? DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). No comment. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: I was in junior high, okay? 206-889-3249: (SINGING) And IIIIIIIIII…will alwaaaays… DYNA GIRL: Shut UP. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: I’m sure you had plenty of embarrassing CDs hiding behind your precious Pearl Jam ones. Some Billy Ray Cyrus, maybe? 206-889-3249: Oh, don’t even joke. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Did you cry when the New Kids broke up? DYNA GIRL: There was a period of mourning. I moved on. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Donnie fan? DYNA GIRL: No, I liked Danny. 206-889-3249: Really? Most girls I knew liked Donnie. DYNA GIRL: No, he had too much attitude. Danny was sweet. He was my favorite pretend boyfriend. 206-889-3249: No Jordan fetish? DYNA GIRL: He was too stuck on himself. You could tell. 206-889-3249: Wow, you WERE a fan. DYNA GIRL: Hey, you’re the one that knows all their names… 206-889-3249: Can’t help it. I have a photographic memory. DYNA GIRL: Really? 206-889-3249: Okay, no, I don’t. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: But it sounded like a good way out of that. Why the hell do I know all their names? DYNA GIRL: That’s between you and your therapist. I don’t want to know. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Hey, let me ask you something. DYNA GIRL: Sure. 206-889-3249: I just…my band, we were playing at Bad Juju last weekend, and…there was this girl standing alone in the back. Kind of hard to see with all the lights, but she kind of had your hair, and, I guess, I just thought maybe… DYNA GIRL: No, it wasn’t me. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Just had to know. DYNA GIRL: I’m sorry. 206-889-3249: No, no, don’t be sorry… DYNA GIRL: It’s just, I told you, I’m really really busy, and… 206-889-3249: Really, no, it’s cool. She just kind of looked like you, and I thought maybe you might have snuck in on the sly. I mean, I really didn’t think you did, but I figured since we’re talking, I’d just be sure. DYNA GIRL: Sorry. 206-889-3249: Now I know. Mystery solved. Okay, and now I sound kind of pathetic, too. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). No, you don’t. 206-889-3249: Okay, so, changing the embarrassing subject…what’s, uh, what’s happening? How come you’re not out saving the world and such tonight? DYNA GIRL: Oh. Um…well, some of us were out earlier. But we’re done. I’m just back at the base. Everyone else went home. 206-889-3249: All alone at the secret lair? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. Seahawk’s out patrolling. I’m not on shift. 206-889-3249: How come you didn’t go home, too? DYNA GIRL: Uh…I just didn’t feel like going home yet. I’m just hanging out here. 206-889-3249: I bet that is SUCH a cool-ass place to hang out. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). You’d be disappointed. It’s pretty simple, actually. 206-889-3249: Come on. Don’t mess with my Forte fantasy. DYNA GIRL: Well, I guess it does have some pretty cool stuff. I guess I’m just used to it. But it’s not all super-computers and science labs or anything. There’s communications stuff. And the Mariner, of course. 206-889-3249: I love the Mariner. How come you guys never use it anymore? DYNA GIRL: Um, I guess because Nightsable can teleport us everywhere much faster. 206-889-3249: Oh, yeah. DYNA GIRL: We still use it for stuff. But not as much. It got used a lot more before Nightsable and I joined the team. Now it’s all teleportals to get where we’re going. 206-889-3249: Teleportals. Cool word. I like that. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Yeah, we just started calling them that. Or maybe she already called them that, I can’t remember. 206-889-3249: Does it feel weird when she does that? When you, like, go through? DYNA GIRL: Not so much. A little tingle, but I don’t really feel it anymore, I’ve done it so much. 206-889-3249: That would be awesome to try. DYNA GIRL: Well, next time you’re taking a trip, let me know. I’ll see if she’s available. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). You guys, like, never have to pay for plane tickets, do you? DYNA GIRL: Nope. 206-889-3249: She should start charging. DYNA GIRL: She should. We hit her up enough for it. 206-889-3249: I bet she never complains. DYNA GIRL: No, she really doesn’t. 206-889-3249: Yeah, she seems really nice. DYNA GIRL: Oh, she is. She’s a sweetheart. 206-889-3249: I can tell. You two seem like you’re really good friends. Just from the TV stuff I’ve seen. DYNA GIRL: We are. I’d say my best friend. 206-889-3249: That’s cool. Working with your best friend. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, it is. 206-889-3249: I did that once. At Taco Bell in high school. Didn’t work out well. DYNA GIRL: How come? 206-889-3249: He got us fired. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Yeah, he kinda talked me into clocking him in when he wasn’t there. We got nailed. DYNA GIRL: Very smart. 206-889-3249: Well, if we were smart, we wouldn’t have been working at Taco Bell, would we? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: I got tired of smelling like meat and sauce anyway. It was for the best. The free food was cool, though. DYNA GIRL: Was it free because they offered it or because you just took it? 206-889-3249: Uh…yeah, I was a bad employee. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). I thought so. 206-889-3249: I was young and dumb. And I had a burrito habit. I’ve sought help since. DYNA GIRL: Probably added five years to your life. That stuff’s nasty, Matt. 206-889-3249: Everything tastes better when it’s free. Basic rule of life. DYNA GIRL: So is he still your best friend? 206-889-3249: Nah. He moved. Went to Delaware after high school. DYNA GIRL: Ewww. Why? 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). That’s what I said. Got into college there. Met a girl, stuck around. Haven’t heard from him in like three years. DYNA GIRL: Sometimes that happens. 206-889-3249: Yeah, well. You can’t hang on to everybody, I guess. DYNA GIRL: Oh, hey, how’s your other friend? 206-889-3249: Which friend? DYNA GIRL: With…the cancer? 206-889-3249: Oh, Dale. He’s good. Thanks for asking. Clean as a whistle last check. DYNA GIRL: That’s great. 206-889-3249: Yeah, it is. He’s been through a lot. But he keeps slugging. DYNA GIRL: Can I ask what kind? Of cancer? 206-889-3249: Colon. DYNA GIRL: God, that’s awful. That young. 206-889-3249: Yeah, real pain in the ass, he’s fond of saying. They found it during a physical. He was a basketball player. At NSCC. That’s where we met. At college, I mean, not at the physical. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Did they catch it early? 206-889-3249: Not really, no. He was pretty far along. Stage III. DYNA GIRL: Oh, God. 206-889-3249: Yeah, it was rough. Surgery pretty quick. He’s got the bag. Kind of ended his basketball. Heavy chemo after that. Like, real regular chemo. They had to do that surgical insertion thing for the IV. DYNA GIRL: They use a Hickman line? 206-889-3249: Yeah, that was it. You know a lot about this stuff. DYNA GIRL: I do. I…my Mom, was… 206-889-3249: Oh, I’m sorry. DYNA GIRL: It’s okay. 206-889-3249: Is she… DYNA GIRL: She passed away right after I graduated high school. 206-889-3249: Hey, I’m really sorry. DYNA GIRL: It’s all right. She got to see me graduate. That’s what she really wanted. I think she was kind of hanging on for that. 206-889-3249: I’m glad she did. DYNA GIRL: Me too. 206-889-3249: Must have made graduation hard, though. DYNA GIRL: (SIGHING). Yeah, it did. But it meant the world to me that she was there. We didn’t think she was going to be. 206-889-3249: That’s a lot for a high school girl to deal with. DYNA GIRL: Didn’t really have a choice. You deal with it. It becomes…kind of normal after a while. Weird as that sounds. You just…it becomes your life. 206-889-3249: How long did you know? DYNA GIRL: She was diagnosed almost exactly a year before that. 206-889-3249: So your whole senior year. Man. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, it was rough. But Dad and I made the most of the time with her. She didn’t want us sad or worried. She thought that was a waste of what time she had. She was really open about it. She wanted me to understand it all. A lot of families just try to pretend its not happening. Denial. She didn’t like denial. She never liked unspoken things. She always liked everything out in the open. That didn’t change with the cancer. 206-889-3249: She sounds like she was really cool. DYNA GIRL: She was. We were really close. Right up to the end. She was my best friend. (PAUSE). I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be… 206-889-3249: Hey, it’s cool. Really. DYNA GIRL: Anyway, I’m glad your friend’s doing good. 206-889-3249: Thanks. I am, too. He’s a good guy. DYNA GIRL: He sounds like it. 206-889-3249: You’d like him. DYNA GIRL: I’m sure I would. (PAUSE) 206-889-3249: So… DYNA GIRL: So…uh, why are you home on your night off? How come you’re not out? 206-889-3249: Out costs money. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Not if you do it right. 206-889-3249: Oh, sure, spoken like a chick. DYNA GIRL: Hey… 206-889-3249: Yeah, yeah. You guys don’t pay for squat. And we end up broke. And then you break our hearts and we spend what’s left of our money on booze to numb the pain. DYNA GIRL: Ouch. Pessimist. You’re the ones picking the heartbreakers, you know. 206-889-3249: You’re not all heartbreakers? DYNA GIRL: Nope. 206-889-3249: Why didn’t anybody tell me that? DYNA GIRL: They probably did, but you were too distracted watching a skirt go by to hear them. 206-889-3249: Hey, don’t pin a collar on a brother. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, I’m sure you’re all about personality and sense of humor. 206-889-3249: I happen to be pretty picky, thank you very much. DYNA GIRL: Right. Like picky how? 206-889-3249: I need a brain. DYNA GIRL: Okay, you said it, I didn’t. 206-889-3249: A GIRL with a brain. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). I don’t even have to set you up. You just pull the pin and jump on it yourself. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: All right, all right. DYNA GIRL: Okay, what constitutes a “brain” in your book, then? Basic math skills? The whole walking-and-chewing-gum skill set? 206-889-3249: Someone you can talk to. About stuff. Music, movies, politics. DYNA GIRL: Every guy says that. And then they see boobs. 206-889-3249: Hey, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’ve gone for looks plenty of times. That’s one of the great things about being in a band. Hot chicks that wouldn’t talk to you in high school suddenly think you’re the shit. I’d be pretty stupid to pass that up, don’t you think? DYNA GIRL: Whatever. 206-889-3249: Yeah, and being a super-hero doesn’t let you pick and choose, right? Come on. DYNA GIRL: You’d be surprised. 206-889-3249: I’m just saying. Fame, even little bite-sized fame like mine, has perks. You dig it for a while. Am I right? DYNA GIRL: Maybe. I guess. 206-889-3249: But you know, you get older. You start realizing there’s a lot more to the boy-girl thing than nookie. DYNA GIRL: Nookie? 206-889-3249: You know that means sex, right? DYNA GIRL: I know what nookie means, retard. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). I’m just playin’. I mean, you start to want a little more. Like, relationships. And you realize there’s more to that than bra size. You gotta have that vibe. You gotta be in synch. That’s a tough thing to find. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, tell me about it. 206-889-3249: And you realize, you know, you don’t have to settle. You can wait for the right fit. It’s not always easy to wait, but it saves a lot of crap in the end. Breakups suck. For everybody. Why walk into something knowing it’s doomed from the whistle? You just have to deal with all that nightmare stuff on the back end. So I look for a little more these days. I know my criteria. It doesn’t have to ALL fit perfect, ‘cause that’s never going to happen, but you know, you can get close. DYNA GIRL: So what else is on your precious criteria list? Brain and what? 206-889-3249: Okay, this is kind of a shallow example, but… I don’t like tattoos. DYNA GIRL: You don’t. 206-889-3249: On a girl. DYNA GIRL: You live in Seattle and you don’t like tattoos on a girl? 206-889-3249: Yeah. Sad, isn’t it? DYNA GIRL: So you’re joining the priesthood, like, next week, then? 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). It’s a bitch. But what can I say? Looking for a girl without. It’s not a total deal-breaker, but you give me a preference, I want none. DYNA GIRL: Do you ask this question over coffee or something? “Are you from Seattle, originally, and, oh, is your skin pure?” 206-889-3249: No, I just…you know, I check. As much as you can. And sometimes I sneak in the question. And you can see a lot of the time. I’m just so sick of the ass-tat. DYNA GIRL: The ‘ass-tat’. 206-889-3249: I’m sorry. Uh…that’s what we call it. Me and…guys I know. That lower back thing chicks are into. Most guys like it. I’m just so over it. It’s cliché. Did I offend? DYNA GIRL: I’ll get over it. 206-889-3249: Oh, wait…do you have tats? I’m sorry, am I like totally insulting you here? DYNA GIRL: No. I don’t. 206-889-3249: Okay. It’s just I’ve done that before. Opened my mouth about that and pissed a girl off who’s got one. Girls get really touchy about that. DYNA GIRL: I’m sure that’s not the only way you’ve found to piss girls off. 206-889-3249: Thank you? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Would you ever, you think? DYNA GIRL: No. 206-889-3249: You probably couldn’t, huh? Isn’t your skin like extra-tough? DYNA GIRL: Yeah, it would be a chore. But I wouldn’t get one anyway, so it doesn’t matter. 206-889-3249: Good for you. The world needs more of you. Ink-free girls. DYNA GIRL: You’re just so going to have to get over that if you plan to stay in this town. Unless you’re really into Mormon girls. 206-889-3249: There are some smokin’ Mormon girls out there. DYNA GIRL: Okay, you just said “smoking” and “Mormon girls”. 206-889-3249: Good point. Oh, and on that, don’t like girls who smoke, either. DYNA GIRL: You need to move. Right away. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). I know. Or lower my standards. DYNA GIRL: No, don’t do that. It’s good to have standards. 206-889-3249: I think so. And I know for a fact there are plenty of women with standards I don’t meet. DYNA GIRL: I’m not even going to touch that one. 206-889-3249: Just got to wait for the right match. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, I guess so. 206-889-3249: I already know your standards. DYNA GIRL: How could you know my standards? 206-889-3249: You like Danny. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: That tells me everything I need to know. DYNA GIRL: That simple, is it? 206-889-3249: Find out a girl’s favorite New Kid, her soul’s an open book. DYNA GIRL: Oh, so you set me up with that so you could read my soul, huh? 206-889-3249: Worked like a charm, too. Tell me who your favorite Power Ranger was and I could probably guess your ATM PIN. DYNA GIRL: You know the weather in your world is always breezy with a ninety-percent chance of asshead? 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: You’re very weird, Matt. 206-889-3249: I know. You’ve mentioned that before. DYNA GIRL: I’m still right. 206-889-3249: Heh. DYNA GIRL: (SIGHING). (PAUSE). What’s that noise? 206-889-3249: Noise? DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). Oh, my God, are you peeing?! 206-889-3249: No… DYNA GIRL: You are! 206-889-3249: I’m…sorry… DYNA GIRL: Oh my God! 206-889-3249: I’m sorry! I had like five Snapples before you called! I can’t help it! DYNA GIRL: How about telling me to hang on and putting down the phone, Einstein? 206-889-3249: I was afraid you’d take that window to say you had to go. I didn’t want you to hang up. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). You are such a freak! 206-889-3249: I’m really sorry. This is really embarrassing. DYNA GIRL: You THINK? 206-889-3249: I was trying to be quiet. DYNA GIRL: Oh, what, were you using a silencer, 007? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: And I didn’t want to, you know, offend you by saying I had to… DYNA GIRL: As opposed to doing it while I’m on the phone? 206-889-3249: Yeah. This is awkward. DYNA GIRL: Will you just hurry up and finish? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: I don’t have much of a choice on the speed, I’m sorry. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). (PAUSE) DYNA GIRL: Will you keep talking at least?! God! 206-889-3249: Well I don’t know what to say! DYNA GIRL: Say anything! 206-889-3249: How ‘bout those Sonics, huh? Hell of a team. Damn, I love watching those guys play. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: And MAN I wish they’d do something about all this traffic! What were they thinking letting all these people move here? All day I’m in the car, here, there, I can’t even get to the 7-11 to get a Slurpee without filling up my damned gas tank and changing my oil… DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249 (BACKGROUND): (FLUSHING SOUND) DYNA GIRL: Thank God. 206-889-3249: Yeah, no kidding. I painted myself into a corner with that traffic thing. DYNA GIRL: You sure you only drank five? 206-889-3249: I might have lost count. DYNA GIRL: So you drink Snapple and you know all the New Kids. You sure you don’t want to check on the quiche you have in the oven, make sure it’s not burning? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Lots of guys drink Snapple. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, I know, there are six of them. And they sing “YMCA”. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: I’m comfortable with my beverage choices. Be a labeler if you must. DYNA GIRL: Wash your hands. 206-889-3249: I was going to. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, after I told you to. 206-889-3249: Thanks, Mom. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). You are a freak. 206-889-3249: (WATER RUNNING). Seriously, I’m sorry about that. It really wasn’t a matter of choice anymore… DYNA GIRL: Can we just not talk about it and move on? Please? 206-889-3249: Good plan. DYNA GIRL: Freak. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: I thought you lived in some lady’s house? 206-889-3249: Well, yeah, but it’s not like I’m in her HOUSE. It’s converted for apartments. One of those. DYNA GIRL: Oh. 206-889-3249: Kind of a studio. Got my own bathroom. DYNA GIRL: Don’t you practice music at home? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: How does she put up with that? 206-889-3249: Headphones on my amp. Keeps eviction away. DYNA GIRL: So do you write music, too? 206-889-3249: Oh, yeah. I write most of our songs. DYNA GIRL: Really? 206-889-3249: Yeah, been doing it for years. I finally got lucky enough to find a band with no other real songwriters in it. Too many egos make a mess. Everybody wants their shit on the set list. DYNA GIRL: That’s pretty cool. 206-889-3249: That’s what I was doing tonight when you called. Working on songs. DYNA GIRL: Oh, did I—? 206-889-3249: Oh, no. I was SUPPOSED to be doing that. I gave up a couple of hours ago. That’s why you hear the TV in the background. DYNA GIRL: Oh, yeah. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: You got to know when it’s not working and let it go. The muse’ll come back. DYNA GIRL: You actually call it “the muse”? 206-889-3249: When I’m feeling pretentious and trying to impress girls, yeah. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). I’m just impressed that you know the word “pretentious”. 206-889-3249: I got layers. DYNA GIRL: Right. 206-889-3249: So are you laying down? DYNA GIRL: Yeah, why? 206-889-3249: You just sounded like it. DYNA GIRL: I’m tired. 206-889-3249: Oh. What, are you, like, in bed, or on the couch, or…? DYNA GIRL: If the next words out of your mouth are “what are you wearing?”, I AM hanging up. 206-889-3249: No, come on. I’m just trying to get a mental picture… DYNA GIRL: I bet you are… 206-889-3249: Of where in your base you’re at, all right? I’m trying to picture the place. Get over yourself. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, whatever, mister “guilty of having eyes”. 206-889-3249: Oops. You know you’ve got a pretty good memory for someone who gets punched in the head all the time… DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Asshole. 206-889-3249: So come on, lay it out for me. Where are you in the place? DYNA GIRL: I’m laying on one of the couches in the rec room right now. 206-889-3249: What’s it like? DYNA GIRL: The couch? 206-889-3249: The rec room. DYNA GIRL: Um…I don’t know. There are a couple of couches and couple of big comfy chairs. And…the big TV over there. 206-889-3249: How big? DYNA GIRL: You don’t want to know. You’ll turn green and get bitter. 206-889-3249: Wow. That big? DYNA GIRL: Yep. 206-889-3249: Sweet. Watch a lot of movies on it? DYNA GIRL: Yeah, we do. You don’t really feel like doing much else after a whole night of fighting or roaming around looking for a fight. 206-889-3249: Cable? DYNA GIRL: Satellite. 206-889-3249: How do you get the bill? Wouldn’t they, like, know your address? DYNA GIRL: Uh…we don’t. Not like that. 206-889-3249: Oh, man, you guys totally steal cable! That’s awesome! DYNA GIRL: We don’t steal it. We get it our own way and yes, we send a check to them every month anyway. 206-889-3249: How do you guys make money? I never thought about that. DYNA GIRL: Well, we all get paid through the Forte Foundation. Merchandizing, movie and TV money, book stuff. A lot of that goes to charity, but everyone in Forte gets a check, too. And it pays the expenses. Plus we have some benefactors. And some Forte people are actually pretty rich. That’s part of it. 206-889-3249: Rich, like, before Forte? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. 206-889-3249: Sweet. Who? DYNA GIRL: I…really can’t tell you that. 206-889-3249: Ah, okay. That’s cool. DYNA GIRL: Just don’t spread that around about the checks, okay? 206-889-3249: Sure, but why? You deserve to get paid. You save the world’s ass every other day. That rates a paycheck in my book. DYNA GIRL: Some people don’t see it that way. They’d think we’re just doing it for the money. No one in Forte is, really. 206-889-3249: You don’t have to sell ME on that. I believe you. DYNA GIRL: Okay, maybe Dr. Jackal was for a few years there. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: But even when he was doing all that, his heart was in the heroing, not the money. He’s really, really a hero. The real thing. 206-889-3249: That’s so cool that you know him. You hang out with him and stuff? DYNA GIRL: Yeah, I see him a lot, actually. He’s a great guy. He’s kind of like an uncle to me or something. 206-889-3249: Has he ever, in conversation, actually apologized for that album of his? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). He has, actually. He’s still pretty embarrassed about it, even today. 206-889-3249: He should be. I love the guy, but…damn. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: So what else is in the room? DYNA GIRL: Um…the pool table’s right over here behind me. 206-889-3249: Pool table? Sweet! You guys ARE set up. DYNA GIRL: I think you’d be more impressed with the videogames. 206-889-3249: Videogames? DYNA GIRL: Old school games. Like, stand-up arcade games. They came with the place. We have Joust. 206-889-3249: Woah! Yeah, I AM impressed! What else? DYNA GIRL: Um…Space Ace. Tempest. Ms. Pac Man. 206-889-3249: That’s your favorite, isn’t it? DYNA GIRL: I don’t really play them a lot or anything, but yeah. 206-889-3249: Girls love that game. Very feminist sensibility. DYNA GIRL: If you say so… (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: I feel like I’m getting a tour. This is cool. Anything else? DYNA GIRL: Hmmm. Big DVD collection. Like, hundreds. Really killer stereo. It’s tied into the main computer so it’ll all MP3s. The speakers really shake this place. Sometimes Nightsable and I pretend it’s a dance club. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: You ever make Rainier play bouncer? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Not yet, but thanks for the idea. 206-889-3249: Anybody live there, or…? DYNA GIRL: No, everybody’s got their own home. We have beds here in case anyone’s just too tired to go home or we’re in the middle of something big or whatever. In a pinch, I guess someone could. 206-889-3249: Sounds a hell of a lot better than my place. DYNA GIRL: It’s not as nice as the old Forte base. That one was really built where you could live in it. A lot of Forte people have over the years. Some of them lived there during the invasion. Or some just chose to live there for their own reasons. No one’s shacked up full-time in this one so far. 206-889-3249: Well, if you’re looking for any renters… DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). We’ll let you know. How’s your credit? 206-889-3249: Okay, never mind. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). Can I ask you something kind of weird? DYNA GIRL: Okay, I guess. 206-889-3249: Are you…all right? DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: I could be totally wrong here, and it wouldn’t be the first time. And it’s not like I really know you at all or anything. It just seems like…I don’t know. You seem like something’s wrong. DYNA GIRL: What have I said that sounds like something’s wrong? 206-889-3249: Nothing, really. It’s just…a feeling. Kind of…your tone of voice, maybe. Or just a vibe. Hey, call me on it if I’m totally off. You seem a little heavy. Like something’s weighing you down. (PAUSE) 206-889-3249: We can…talk about it. If, you know, there is something. (PAUSE) DYNA GIRL: I just had a bad night, that’s all. 206-889-3249: You didn’t get hurt or anything, did you? DYNA GIRL: No, nothing like that. 206-889-3249: Everybody else okay? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. They’re fine. 206-889-3249: That’s good. You said you guys were out. Was there a fight or something? DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). Yeah. You didn’t hear about it on the news yet? 206-889-3249: Nah, I’ve been on movie channels. What did I miss? DYNA GIRL: Nothing major. Just a bunch of armored guys trying to rob a company. Wannabe villains. 206-889-3249: So…what happened? DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). I hit a guy. 206-889-3249: Um…don’t you do that a lot? DYNA GIRL: Yes. But he…he wasn’t the kind of guy you hit hard. 206-889-3249: Oh. DYNA GIRL: He just…he had this suit that made him faster. Vortex wasn’t with us, so I was trying to take him. And he kept dodging me. And he kept making fun of me while he was doing it. He was a total asshole. He just kept pushing me. Laughing at me. I just kept getting more and more mad. (PAUSE) DYNA GIRL: And I got a lucky punch in. I hit him really really hard. He…um…went through a wall. I just…I guess I thought because his suit was armored, he could…you know… (PAUSE) DYNA GIRL: He, um…he’s in the hospital. Right now. We were over there. He’s still under guard, but… 206-889-3249: How bad? DYNA GIRL: (SNIFFLING). Um…there’s some spinal damage. They still don’t know how bad. For sure. But it looks bad. And there’s a chance, I don’t know how much… (PAUSE). He might not walk again. 206-889-3249: Oh, God. DYNA GIRL: (WEEPING). 206-889-3249: Hey, hey, come on… DYNA GIRL: And it’s all my fault. I did it. I got mad and I hit him and I never should have hit him that hard and I KNOW better! I’m so STUPID! 206-889-3249: You’re not stupid. DYNA GIRL: I AM stupid! You KNOW. You know who the big guys are and who can take it. You don’t treat the other guys like the big guys. And I just…I wasn’t thinking…I just punched… 206-889-3249: I’m sure he was trying to do the same to you. He’s a bad guy. DYNA GIRL: He couldn’t have hurt me. (SNIFFLING). He’s just some loser in a suit. I don’t even know if he has a lame code name. I know he’s a bad guy. But…yeah, he deserves to go to jail. But he doesn’t… (WEEPING). 206-889-3249: It’s okay… DYNA GIRL: How is it okay? What if he never walks again? And it’s my fault? 206-889-3249: The doctors don’t know for sure, right? He could be fine. DYNA GIRL: (WEEPING). I’m not a goddamn rookie. I KNOW better. 206-889-3249: I haven’t been a fight in a long time, but I seem to remember you don’t have a lot of time to think. DYNA GIRL: That’s because you’re some guy. Slugging it out with some other drunk guy. This is what I do. I’m trained for this. 206-889-3249: You made a mistake, all right? It’s bound to happen as much as you do this. DYNA GIRL: (SNIFFLING). Now everybody’s all mad at me. 206-889-3249: Who’s mad? DYNA GIRL: The team. 206-889-3249: They said so? DYNA GIRL: No. They didn’t say much of anything. That’s how I know they’re mad. They wouldn’t even look at me much. They just talked to UNCLE and the doctors. Then Seahawk told me to go home. 206-889-3249: Like, pissed? DYNA GIRL: No. Like he could see what was going on in my head. He told me I should get out of there, there was nothing I could do. I’m sure I’m getting a big lecture from him in the morning. Joy. 206-889-3249: God, Dyna, I’m so sorry. That’s really awful. DYNA GIRL: (SNIFFLING). Yeah. 206-889-3249: I know you must feel terrible, but… Don’t kick yourself. You’ve got a dangerous job. All those guys in the suits and the jammies are trying to hurt you, and hurt other people. They make the choice to go out there and do the crimes. They know what they’re getting into. DYNA GIRL: Most of them don’t. (SNIFFLING). They all think they’re such badasses. 206-889-3249: They set themselves up for this. It’s terrible what happened, but the guy put himself in the position. You didn’t do anything wrong. DYNA GIRL: I did. I hit him too hard. (SNIFFLING). 206-889-3249: Okay, well, maybe. But you gotta, like, look the big picture. How many times do you do this in a month? Or a year? Law of averages. Somebody’s going to get hurt. I’m just glad it wasn’t you. DYNA GIRL: I wish it was me. 206-889-3249: Don’t say that. Okay, let’s agree. You screwed up. You know, people screw up. You just learn from it. And maybe he’ll be just fine and he’ll finally get it through his head that crime kind of sucks as a career. DYNA GIRL: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 206-889-3249: There’s nothing wrong with you. DYNA GIRL: I don’t know why I get so mad. (SNIFFLING). I’m always mad. I keep telling myself it gives me an edge out there. That I’m using all that anger to do good things. Why am I so mad all the time? 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). You think…it has anything to do with your Mom? DYNA GIRL: Huh? 206-889-3249: I don’t mean to get all Dr. Freud on you, but…were you always this mad, or did it start after your Mom died? DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). I don’t know. I’ve kind of always been pissy. Maybe it got worse since then. Maybe. I don’t know. 206-889-3249: After my Dad died— DYNA GIRL: (SNIFFLING). Your Dad died? 206-889-3249: Yeah. When I was young. DYNA GIRL: I’m sorry. 206-889-3249: It’s cool. I was ten, so I wasn’t that young, I guess. DYNA GIRL: How did he die? (SNIFFLING). 206-889-3249: Uh…self-inflicted. DYNA GIRL: Oh, God. That’s horrible. 206-889-3249: He had a lot of problems. I didn’t know about them then. Only later. A lot of mental problems. He was on meds. I guess he kind of stopped taking them. DYNA GIRL: Matt, I’m sorry. 206-889-3249: Yeah. Me, too. Thanks. But, like, after…I started having a lot of problems at school. Like, acting up. Picking fights. I think I was kind of…mad at him. And I was taking it out on everyone else. You know, mad at him for leaving us. Anyway, I just…you made me think of that. I don’t know if you might have had kind of the same thing. More of a grown-up version. DYNA GIRL: I don’t think I was ever mad at her. She didn’t have a choice. 206-889-3249: Yeah, but…maybe you might have been kind of mad at…you know, the world. God. Life. Whatever. For things not working like we’re always told they’re supposed to. DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). I don’t know. 206-889-3249: Just something to think about, I guess. I’m no expert. Just my little life experience for you, for what it’s worth. DYNA GIRL: I’m sorry about your Dad. 206-889-3249: I’m sorry about your Mom. And about tonight. DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). Thanks. 206-889-3249: Seahawk was right about one thing. Nothing you can do. I know, it’s easy for me to say. But I know I’d be tearing myself up, too. DYNA GIRL: (SNIFFLING). I’m sorry. I’m laying all this on you. 206-889-3249: No, no! It’s totally cool. DYNA GIRL: No, you don’t even know me, and I’m crying in your ear like a dork. 206-889-3249: Hey, I’m a dork, too. You’re in good company. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). (SNIFFLING). I don’t know what I’m doing tonight. 206-889-3249: So don’t know. DYNA GIRL: I don’t know why I called you. I just couldn’t go home, and this place is empty, and I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. Nobody else is awake to call. I just picked up the phone, and— 206-889-3249: I’m glad you did. DYNA GIRL: And I’m telling you things I shouldn’t be telling you. 206-889-3249: It’s safe with me. For the record? I’m not gonna tell anybody about this. About tonight. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, right. 206-889-3249: Very serious. DYNA GIRL: Like you’re really not going to tell your buddies that Dyna Girl called you in the middle of the night and cried on the phone. 206-889-3249: Well, if you’re gonna start talking about yourself in the third person, I’m gonna be too embarrassed to tell anyone… DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Dork. 206-889-3249: I mean it. I told you about me and promises. I don’t play people like that. This is between us. I’m just happy I was home. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger. You needed to talk. I’m glad it was me. DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). Thanks. 206-889-3249: My pleasure. (PAUSE) 206-889-3249: Of course, I could be some super-villain. Posing as a bass player. Collecting valuable information on your New Kids preferences. DYNA GIRL: You’re not a super-villain. 206-889-3249: How do you know? DYNA GIRL: Super-villains don’t drink Snapple. 206-889-3249: I know for a fact that Angle Man does. It’s right on Snapple’s web page. DYNA GIRL: Really? 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: Will you stop fucking with me? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Easy mark! DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). And you’re almost not a stranger anymore. This is our third phone call, you know. 206-889-3249: And the first one where you weren’t threatening me. Bonus. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: And don’t get all bunged up about crying, all right? Humans need to cry. You get ulcers if you don’t. And you get all constipated. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: You gotta let that out. You feel better, right? DYNA GIRL: Kind of. 206-889-3249: Kind of is cool. DYNA GIRL: I still feel lousy. 206-889-3249: Understandable. Just…try to maintain. Make yourself a little box, you know? A space between tonight and tomorrow. Stay in there. You can’t change tonight, and tomorrow ain’t here yet. Just…float in the now. DYNA GIRL: What ARE you smoking over there? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: You don’t, do you? 206-889-3249: What, weed? No. DYNA GIRL: Good. 206-889-3249: More of a heroin fan. DYNA GIRL: Matt! 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). I meant SUPER-heroine, of course. DYNA GIRL: Oh, very smooth. 206-889-3249: You like that? A little misdirection, then the pow. That’s how I roll. DYNA GIRL: Please. 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). Oh, shit! DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: Oh, dude, “The Jerk” is coming on! DYNA GIRL: What jerk? 206-889-3249: The movie! Steve Martin! DYNA GIRL: Oh. I never saw it. 206-889-3249: You never saw “The Jerk”?! DYNA GIRL: No. My dad wouldn’t let me. He said it was too crude. 206-889-3249: Well is your Dad there NOW? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). No. 206-889-3249: Turn it on! DYNA GIRL: Matt… 206-889-3249: Come on! Trust me, you need this. Just do it. DYNA GIRL: (SIGHING). What channel? 206-889-3249: HBO. DYNA GIRL: Which HBO? 206-889-3249: Welfare HBO. DYNA GIRL: Okay. What time zone? 206-889-3249: Okay, now you’re just showing off. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Pacific, rich girl. DYNA GIRL: Okay, hang on… 206-889-3249: Hurry! DYNA GIRL: I’m doing it! Hang on! 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). You got it? DYNA GIRL: Hang…yeah, I’m there. 206-889-3249: Sweet! You just have to watch the start at least. This is genius. DYNA GIRL: How many times have you seen this? 206-889-3249: Like, forty. Easy. DYNA GIRL: Okay, now you’re scaring me with this a little… 206-889-3249: Shhh, shhh! Just watch. DYNA GIRL: I’m watching. 206-889-3249: You’re talking! Switch to watching! DYNA GIRL: Okay, God… 206-889-3249: Shhh! Right here… DYNA GIRL: He’s so young in this… 206-889-3249: Shh! (BACKGROUND): Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.
SUMMARY: 94 MINUTES PASS. SPORADIC LAUGHTER. SPORADIC COMMENTS.
DYNA GIRL: Oh my GAH-HAHD! (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Did I tell you? DYNA GIRL: That was brilliant! 206-889-3249: See what you’ve been missing? DYNA GIRL: I’m so going to be singing the Thermos Song all week! (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Wasn’t that great? DYNA GIRL: Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bernadette Peters in anything before. She’s so funny. 206-889-3249: Yeah, she kind of vanished after the seventies, I think. DYNA GIRL: Oh…wow. 206-889-3249: You totally want an Opti-Grab for your sunglasses now, don’t you? DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). No, now that I know the dangers. 206-889-3249: I’m totally going to tell your Dad on you, you know. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: How do you have a film that your Dad won’t let you see and then NOT run out and rent it the minute you move out of the house? DYNA GIRL: I don’t know. He blacklisted a bunch of movies. Guess I’m still working through the list. 206-889-3249: Well, one more down. DYNA GIRL: Yeah. (LAUGHTER). Uhhhh. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: Mmm. 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). You sound really tired. DYNA GIRL: I am. (YAWNING). I’ve been laying down too long. 206-889-3249: Are you safe to fly home? (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Yeah. But I might just crash here tonight. 206-889-3249: Yeah? DYNA GIRL: I might just crash RIGHT here. I don’t want to move. And this couch is really comfy. 206-889-3249: Sounds nice. Got a blanket? DYNA GIRL: (YAWNING). Yeah. I got one when I went to the fridge. 206-889-3249: Oh, so you’re already tucked in? DYNA GIRL: Uh huh. 206-889-3249: I sleep on my couch most of the time. DYNA GIRL: (YAWNING). How come? 206-889-3249: Too much effort to pull out the hide-a-bed. (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: You don’t have a bed? 206-889-3249: A hide-a-bed’s a bed. DYNA GIRL: Not a real bed. 206-889-3249: I don’t sleep much anyway. DYNA GIRL: You need, like, box springs and a comforter and stuff. And a headboard. Big pillows you can pile up when you’re reading. 206-889-3249: I like my couch just fine. DYNA GIRL: You can’t sleep on the couch all the time. (YAWNING). It’s bad for your neck. 206-889-3249: I have a really tough neck. My neck is BUFF. DYNA GIRL: (QUIET LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). You need to sleep? DYNA GIRL: Mmm hmm. I’m sorry. 206-889-3249: It’s okay. I kept you up too late. DYNA GIRL: No. It was fun. 206-889-3249: I’m glad you had fun. DYNA GIRL: I did. 206-889-3249: Good. DYNA GIRL: Matt? 206-889-3249: Uh, huh? DYNA GIRL: Thank you. 206-889-3249: For what? DYNA GIRL: I really needed a friend tonight. 206-889-3249: Well, you found one. DYNA GIRL: Thank you for listening. 206-889-3249: Thank you for calling. You really shocked the hell out of me. DYNA GIRL: (QUIET LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: I didn’t think I’d be hearing from you again. DYNA GIRL: I didn’t either. 206-889-3249: I’m glad I did. You’re very cool, Dyna Girl. DYNA GIRL: You are too, Matt. 206-889-3249: (PAUSE). Still there? DYNA GIRL: Mmmm? 206-889-3249: You dozed off. DYNA GIRL: I did? 206-889-3249: Get some sleep. DYNA GIRL: Okay. 206-889-3249: And you can call me anytime. If you want to talk. I’m usually up late. All right? DYNA GIRL: ‘Kay. Thank you. 206-889-3249: Okay. I’ll let you go. DYNA GIRL: ‘Kay. 206-889-3249: Sweet dreams. DYNA GIRL: You too. 206-889-3249: Dream of Danny. DYNA GIRL: (QUIET LAUGHTER). I’ll try. 206-889-3249: Good night. DYNA GIRL: Good night, Matt. (PAUSE) (CALL TERMINATES) END.
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