"Hotline 5: Dateline"
by
Michael O'Connell
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Forte/Seattle PD Hotline
DYNA GIRL: Wait, you have a DATE? 206-889-3249: Yep. DYNA GIRL: Since when? 206-889-3249: Since last night. DYNA GIRL: Like, with a girl? 206-889-3249: I hope so. Otherwise that dude had some really good work done. DYNA GIRL: Matt! When were you going to tell me this? 206-889-3249: I think I just did… DYNA GIRL: Good for you! 206-889-3249: Thanks. Pretty stoked about it, too. DYNA GIRL: What’s her name? 206-889-3249: See, that’s why I need more chick friends. I’ve told three guys I know so far and the first question from all of them was “Is she hot?” DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). Is she? 206-889-3249: Yeah, actually. And her name’s Deanna. DYNA GIRL: Nice. Did you just meet her last night? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: Where? 206-889-3249: At the Juju. DYNA GIRL: Oh, no. 206-889-3249: What? DYNA GIRL: Matt. I thought you were off groupies. 206-889-3249: She’s not a groupie! DYNA GIRL: She doesn’t just want to be “with the band”? 206-889-3249: No. She was there with friends of hers. Didn’t even come because of us. She’s from out of town. DYNA GIRL: Uh, oh. That’s complicated. 206-889-3249: Yeah, there’s that. DYNA GIRL: Where’s she from? 206-889-3249: Denver. DYNA GIRL: Awwww. 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: How long’s she in town? 206-889-3249: For a week. She’s in town checking out the area. Looking into grad school here. DYNA GIRL: Oh, that’s promising. So she might be local soon. 206-889-3249: Might be. DYNA GIRL: And if she’s looking at grad school, that means she’s already been to college. So a smart girl. 206-889-3249: Seems like it. DYNA GIRL: How old? 206-889-3249: I didn’t ask, but I think about twenty-two. DYNA GIRL: Any tattoos? (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: Not so far. But when I get a better look I’ll let you know. DYNA GIRL: Ewww. Don’t be an ass and ruin this for me. 206-889-3249: I’m just playin’. DYNA GIRL: Damnit! 206-889-3249: What? DYNA GIRL: We’re out of flour. It was Max’s turn to shop. He didn’t get flour. 206-889-3249: You totally out? DYNA GIRL: No, I’ve got what’s left in the bag. I think I can make it work. Damnit, Max. Where’s his head at? 206-889-3249: In a helmet, last time I saw a picture. DYNA GIRL: It’s not his fault, I guess. It’s not like he ever cooks. He eats like you do. All Jack In The Box and Chef Boyardee. 206-889-3249: Mmm. Beefaroni… DYNA GIRL: If his twelve-year old brain screws up my cookies I’m gonna smack him. 206-889-3249: Good thing he has the helmet, then. You do realize you’re, like, a major icon of modern female empowerment and you’re in the kitchen baking cookies? DYNA GIRL: My ass, both sides, pucker up. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). DYNA GIRL: So tell me what happened. How did you meet her? 206-889-3249: We were playing a set. I noticed her at their table. I think she was noticing me, too. So we took a break, and I found her at the bar. So I said hello. DYNA GIRL: Just hello? 206-889-3249: You know, kind of said hi. Asked how she was doing. Introduced myself. Bought her a drink. DYNA GIRL: Wow, you jumped right on the drink. 206-889-3249: Yep. I was feeling it. Had a nice talk for a bit there. Then I had to go back on, I asked if she was going to be around for a while, she said yes. We did another set. And she stayed. After that, we got a table and talked more. DYNA GIRL: What were her friends doing? 206-889-3249: Staying at their table and whispering and watching. DYNA GIRL: (LAUGHTER). So how did the date thing happen? 206-889-3249: She mentioned she was in town and hadn’t gotten to see too much yet. So I said I’d be happy to show her around if she wanted. Some sight-seeing, maybe some dinner. DYNA GIRL: Okay, she DID give you signs that she wanted to be asked out, right? 206-889-3249: Um…name the signs. DYNA GIRL: Was she smiling a lot? 206-889-3249: Yes. DYNA GIRL: Laughing at every little joke of yours like you were the funniest guy in the world? 206-889-3249: Check. DYNA GIRL: Direct eye contact? Wasn’t glancing around like she was looking for her friends to bail her out? 206-889-3249: Plenty of eye contact. DYNA GIRL: Touching? Did she, like, touch your arm or your shoulder when she laughed at your lame jokes? 206-889-3249: Yep. DYNA GIRL: Wow. You’re in the game, all right. 206-889-3249: Yeah. Kinda nice. DYNA GIRL: So she’s hot? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: Like, Ginger hot or Mary Ann hot? 206-889-3249: Mostly Mary Ann. Just enough Ginger. DYNA GIRL: What’s she like? 206-889-3249: Really cool. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Nice big green eyes. Cute, cute nose. DYNA GIRL: Ooh, you got it bad. 206-889-3249: I do. DYNA GIRL: Wait…did I pre-heat? 206-889-3249: Yes, you did. DYNA GIRL: Oh, yeah. Okay. Um…so a daytime date, huh? What’s the plan? What are you going to show her? And save the smart-ass answer. 206-889-3249: I figured the usual tourist stuff. Start with Seattle Center. Do the Needle. DYNA GIRL: Good. Got to do that. That’s kind of romantic, too. Well, not as much during the day. 206-889-3249: And then Experience Music. DYNA GIRL: Uh…MUSIC NERD ALERT! 206-889-3249: Come on, it’s cool. DYNA GIRL: I guess. She already knows you’re a musician, though. You don’t have to beat her over the head with it. 206-889-3249: I just think it’s a cool place. DYNA GIRL: Okay, and then? 206-889-3249: Uh…cruise around, see what she wants to see. DYNA GIRL: Good. 206-889-3249: Then Pike Place Market. Walk around the waterfront some. Got to work some lunch in there somewhere. But we’ll be having dinner later, so… DYNA GIRL: Oh, wait! Dinner, right? 206-889-3249: Yeah. And probably dancing after. If she’s not sick of me after all that time… DYNA GIRL: Where’s she staying? 206-889-3249: Why? DYNA GIRL: With friends or a hotel? 206-889-3249: Hotel. DYNA GIRL: Downtown? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: (SQUEALING). Perfect! You get to do the change! 206-889-3249: The change? DYNA GIRL: You have to change for dinner, right? 206-889-3249: I don’t know. I was just going to— DYNA GIRL: No, you HAVE to change for dinner. You’re going to be walking all day. You’ll be wearing comfy clothes. She’ll want to get more dressed up to go out. So you do, too. 206-889-3249: Uh…hadn’t thought about that… DYNA GIRL: I know. Because you’re Matt. What you do is bring your change of clothes with you. Keep them in your car. On a hanger. When you're making that last call the night before the date, you bring up the changing clothes thing, and you ask if it's okay if you just change at her hotel before you go out to dinner, so you don't have to drive all the way home first. 206-889-3249: Huh. DYNA GIRL: You ASK. That’s important. 206-889-3249: Okay. DYNA GIRL: And then you get to do the change. This is such a cool and flirty thing to do. It’s totally logical so it comes off all innocent. You do your day thing, you get back to her hotel, and one of you changes in the bathroom, one of you out in the room. Or does she have a suite? 206-889-3249: No idea. DYNA GIRL: Whatever. The point being, you both go to her hotel room and get to undress with just a door between you. And you get to talk through the door and laugh and pretend like it’s all normal, but it’s really kind of naughty. And you get to hear clothes coming off and you’re both imagining what the other one looks like on the other side of the door. It’s TOTALLY sexy. 206-889-3249: I’m liking this. DYNA GIRL: Kind of builds some intimacy early on. It’s a great moment. Oh, and if SHE's the one who starts talking to you through the door first? You're in really good shape. She's digging it. But this is VERY important. Are you listening to me? 206-889-3249: Yes. DYNA GIRL: This is NOT the time to make a move. 206-889-3249: Okay. DYNA GIRL: I’m serious. Don’t get all wound up because you know she’s in her underpants in the next room and do something stupid and blow it. This is safe fun. Don’t ruin it. You’ll take yourself right out of the game. 206-889-3249: So if she comes out and I’m waiting in bed with a rose between my teeth, that would be bad. DYNA GIRL: Yes. That would be bad. 206-889-3249: Just making sure. DYNA GIRL: Girls love this. Don’t screw it up for her. And it’s a trust thing. When she comes out and finds you with your pants ON, she’ll know you’re a grown-up. 206-889-3249: All right. DYNA GIRL: Could you please not chew in my ear, by the way? 206-889-3249: Sorry. DYNA GIRL: What are you eating? 206-889-3249: Fritos. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, you’re a grown-up. 206-889-3249: Fritos rock! DYNA GIRL: Do you at least have bean dip? 206-889-3249: No, I ran out last night. DYNA GIRL: You’re hopeless. 206-889-3249: I know. How’s your cookies? DYNA GIRL: About to go in. 206-889-3249: You make good cookies? DYNA GIRL: Of course I do. My cookies kick ass. 206-889-3249: I want a cookie. DYNA GIRL: I’ll fax you one when they’re done. Forgive the toner taste. 206-889-3249: So, wait, though…what if SHE makes a move during the big change? DYNA GIRL: Oh. Hmmm. Well, I guess you wouldn’t have a choice, then. 206-889-3249: Yeeeaah, boyyyyyy. DYNA GIRL: I hope she doesn’t, though. 206-889-3249: Uh…no hablo Dyna Girl. DYNA GIRL: ‘Cause that means she doesn’t get it and she doesn’t think enough of you to do the rituals and she’s kind of skanky. 206-889-3249: Maybe it just means she can’t resist me and loses all control in my manly presence. DYNA GIRL: No, it pretty much means “ho”. You said you were looking for something more than that now, remember? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: She might be that girl. You need to do this right. If she screws it up— 206-889-3249: Screws it up by jumping me? DYNA GIRL: Yes. Then SHE screws it up. But don’t you be the one to do it. You’ve got a chance at something here. Don’t be a vacation fling. Be smart, Matt. Relationships take time and effort. 206-889-3249: Okay, am I really taking relationship advice from the flying nun? DYNA GIRL: I’m NOT a nun. 206-889-3249: As in “n-o-n-e”… DYNA GIRL: Don’t be an asshole. 206-889-3249: I’m just kidding with you. DYNA GIRL: Well don’t. 206-889-3249: All right, all right. Touchy. You feeling the single blues thing lately? DYNA GIRL: A little. 206-889-3249: You know that’s all your choice. If you look over your shoulder, you’ll see a very, very long line of guys. DYNA GIRL: A long line of losers. 206-889-3249: They’re not all losers. You’re letting the past jack you up. You realize that’s giving past assholes power over your present life? DYNA GIRL: I am REALLY starting to resent that whole ONE psych class you took. 206-889-3249: Yeah, but I’m not wrong. DYNA GIRL: Whatever. Change of subject. 206-889-3249: All right. DYNA GIRL: So where are you taking her for dinner? 206-889-3249: Uh, I thought we’d maybe hit the Owl and Thistle. You know, nice little Irish pub feel, some great live music— DYNA GIRL: Matt. 206-889-3249: What? DYNA GIRL: (SIGHING). Are you serious? 206-889-3249: What? I like that place. DYNA GIRL: Do you really like this girl? 206-889-3249: Yeah, totally. DYNA GIRL: Then don’t do that. 206-889-3249: Why? DYNA GIRL: You need to impress a little, Matt. Show a little class. She’ll have all day to see your fun side, okay? You need to let her see there’s more to you. 206-889-3249: There is? DYNA GIRL: Okay, you need to fake it, then. Come on. Take her somewhere nice. 206-889-3249: I can’t afford somewhere nice. DYNA GIRL: Well you’d better. Do you really want to stick your romantic evening in a pub with blaring music so you can’t even talk to each other? Dinner talk is important. You need to sit in a nice place, with wine. And a nice crowd. So she feels special. 206-889-3249: I don’t know— DYNA GIRL: Oh! Oh! I’ve totally got it! 206-889-3249: What? DYNA GIRL: The Tiburon Roja! 206-889-3249: Uh…that’s a little out of my league. DYNA GIRL: No, it’s perfect! We totally know the owner! 206-889-3249: Really? DYNA GIRL: Yeah! We have a table there, anytime. A reservation won’t be a problem. I can get you in. 206-889-3249: Uh… DYNA GIRL: And we have a tab, too. 206-889-3249: Huh? DYNA GIRL: Won’t cost you a dime. It’s handled. 206-889-3249: I can’t let you do that… DYNA GIRL: No, no, it’s all paid for. It’s part of the fund. I won’t be paying for it. It’s on the team. 206-889-3249: You could really do that? DYNA GIRL: Totally! Oh, you have to. This is great! 206-889-3249: Wow. That’s…really cool, Dy. That would be awesome. DYNA GIRL: It’ll be perfect! She’ll love it! You’ll blow her away. I can totally set it up. But you need to dress nice. I need you to get your good stuff out of your closet and take some digital pics of 'em tonight and e-mail them to me. We need to see if there’s anything salvageable there. 206-889-3249: I got some nice stuff… DYNA GIRL: I’ll be the judge, thank you. Just do it tonight so we’ll know. 206-889-3249: Okay, I can do that. DYNA GIRL: We’ll get you a great table, and we’ll get you the total star treatment. And she won’t know you’re not paying. I’ll talk to the owner. You’ll sign for it after dinner and everything. But do NOT try picking a wine, you hear me? 206-889-3249: Uh, yeah. DYNA GIRL: I already know you’d suck at that. I’ll have owner set that up. Your waiter will recommend something for you. Just look thoughtful and agree. Well, ask Deanna if she’s okay with it, too, but let the guy choose. You just look like you know what you’re talking about. I know it’ll be a stretch. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Okay. Man, this is great. YOU’RE really great. You know that? DYNA GIRL: Thank you. I’m aware. Just trust me. She won’t know what hit her. 206-889-3249: Probably not. DYNA GIRL: And I’ll go over the menu with you, too. I’ll send you the link to their home page. I’ve eaten there a lot. So you won’t be staring at the menu like an idiot when you’re there. 206-889-3249: Can’t have that. DYNA GIRL: Matt’s got a GIRLfriend. (LAUGHTER). 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). Not yet, I don’t. DYNA GIRL: You will. We’ll do this right. I love playing matchmaker! 206-889-3249: Yeah, you seem to be pretty good at it. DYNA GIRL: You’re chewing again. 206-889-3249: Sorry. I’m hungry. DYNA GIRL: Eat something less crunchy. 206-889-3249: Uh…I think I have half a box of taquitos left in the freezer…let me check… DYNA GIRL: Will you learn to cook already? 206-889-3249: Cooking takes too long. DYNA GIRL: You need to learn how. If not for your own health, then to get girls. 206-889-3249: I thought cooking was a sign of…you know, gayhood. DYNA GIRL: No, SNAPPLE is a sign of gayhood. Girls like guys who can cook. You need to learn a few recipes at least. 206-889-3249: Where do you learn to do that? I’ve always wondered. DYNA GIRL: Take a class. They have them, you know. Do a web search. 206-889-3249: Sounds like effort. Effort bad. DYNA GIRL: You put a lot of effort into your music, right? 206-889-3249: Yeah. DYNA GIRL: Well, think of it like that. You didn’t know what you were doing when you first started. Then you practiced. And practiced. And you got good at it. Same thing. You just have to pick up the guitar for the first time. 206-889-3249: I started with tuba. DYNA GIRL: I didn’t need to know that. Oh, speaking of music…did you finish? 206-889-3249: No. DYNA GIRL: Matt! You said it’d be done this week! 206-889-3249: Songs take their own time. DYNA GIRL: Yeah, when the guy writing them spends all his time watching the Simpsons. 206-889-3249: D’oh! DYNA GIRL: Come on, get it done. I want to hear it. 206-889-3249: It might not sound that good over the phone. DYNA GIRL: It’ll be fine. Do I still get to hear it before anyone else? 206-889-3249: I promised, didn’t I? DYNA GIRL: Yay! I’m special. 206-889-3249: (LAUGHTER). So what about after dinner? Do you think dancing is— DYNA GIRL: Shit. Hang on. 206-889-3249: ‘Kay. DYNA GIRL: (BACKGROUND). Hey, Dane. What’s up? (SIGHING). Great. Tell me where. (PAUSE). Got it. Just the one? (PAUSE). Okay. No, hang back. I’ll call you and let you know once I check it out. Okay. I’m on my way. Thanks. DYNA GIRL: (PAUSE). Damnit. I have to go. 206-889-3249: Trouble? DYNA GIRL: Villain. In Belltown. Sorry. 206-889-3249: It’s cool. Call me when you get back. DYNA GIRL: I will. I gotta fly. 206-889-3249: Hey, wait! DYNA GIRL: Matt, I gotta go… 206-889-3249: Oven? DYNA GIRL: Shit! Damnit, my cookies! 206-889-3249: Base wouldn’t be so secret if it was on fire, would it? DYNA GIRL: Thanks. Damnit, damnit. (METAL CLANGING). I wasted all that time. 206-889-3249: Now you can stop on the way home and get flour. DYNA GIRL: Yeah. Good call. Okay, I’m going. 206-889-3249: Wait... DYNA GIRL: What? 206-889-3249: Be careful. DYNA GIRL: Will you stop telling me to be careful? 206-889-3249: I will when you start being careful. DYNA GIRL: Fine. I will. 206-889-3249: Give him Hell. DYNA GIRL: It’s a her. 206-889-3249: Meooow… DYNA GIRL: Retard. 206-889-3249: I’ll want details. DYNA GIRL: Fine. 206-889-3249: Bye. DYNA GIRL: Bye bye. (CALL TERMINATES) END.
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